February 14th, 2000. Birmingham, Alabama. A multiracial baby was born to a white/Thai mother and a Black father.
I was born in North Birmingham, but I started off as a peaceful, quiet, sweet little girl in the small town of Warrior, Alabama. Even though Warrior is a predominantly white community and just about every Black person residing there is related to me, I didn't notice much about color or race until I reached the first grade. I had so many white friends and I would think to myself, "Why don't I look like them?" Back then I was much more brown than I am now, so i stood out among them + i had super curly (most times frizzy) hair. I begged my mama almost every day to straighten my hair, which she only would do a couple of times, but that just goes to show how important representation is especially for little children. Of course, like I said, I had my Black family members. The sad thing is, however, they wanted to look like our white counterparts as well.
Sometimes, I miss the innocence of childhood. Before we could even notice the differences between each other. It used to just be small things like "Why are you so brown?" and I would just say something like "I don't know, I guess because my daddy is." Because then, I really didn't know and I didn't put much thought into it. I was just living my child-like life. I don't even remember the first time I started noticing the negative shit, but once I did, I couldn't stop.
When you move around in different environments as a kid, it shows. In Warrior, i was considered a Black girl by everyone there. Once I moved to the east side of Birmingham, however, it wasn't quite like that. This area was predominately Black, unlike Warrior. & instead of being a Black girl, i turned into a "mutt" or an automatic "white girl" (which utterly disturbs me today). Sometimes, i would get the Mexican card. Back then, I just went with the flow, because how could i not? I had no idea who/what i was. & it was never established in my home. So how does a mixed child with no reassurance find their identity?
Well, for me it didn't really hit me to decide for myself until high school. That's when i really broke out of the box and started questioning everything. Literally everything. Why can't i relate much to my white side, but i'll have my Black side tell me i'm not one of them? Why am i not considered "Asian enough" to fit into the Asian community? Why do white people automatically consider me Black? Am i nothing? Am i everything? This was around the time i really got into Black history + white supremacy, helping me lean towards my Black side more than ever before. I learned so much. I learned about the "one drop rule" , the "if your father is Black, then you're Black" rule, etc. From then to now, i definitely consider myself a Black women. A multiracial Black woman. But of course, that doesn't sit well with everyone.
My passion for the Black community grew & with it came an eagerness to try & educate as many people as i possibly could. I've received so many responses from "I'm glad you know who you truly are" to "You're not even Black, why do you care so much?" & negative responses like those fueled my fire even more, while also hurting my feelings. I couldn't understand how i could possibly go so hard for a community that didn't even want to accept me as one of them. I would scream "IGNORANCE! IGNORANCE!" because I knew that Black came in many different forms, making us the most diverse group of people on the planet. How could i be a white girl with super curly strands like these? How could i be a white girl when my skin absorbs the sun rays? How could i be a white girl when i wasn't one?
Growing up a mixed kid, I've tried to run from all 3 parts of me at least once my 19 years of living. My elementary years, i wanted to be white. Subconsciously. That was all i saw. My middle school years, I wanted to be known as mixed, and not just one race. But then, i wouldn't mind being called a white girl. The bad thing about that, I got too prideful in the fact that i was mixed. Lowkey thinking i was better than everybody else, without even realizing it. Because it was something other people praised for some odd reason, & i noticed. My high school years, i cared the most about owning my truth & who i actually am. The world sees me as a Black, or in most cases, a brown woman. But the community in which i adore & cherish the most, is the one i have the hardest time gaining acceptance from. I don't need to convince the white community that i'm not white, they believe that all on their own.
How does this shit work? I don't know. But one thing that has helped me is accepting all 3 parts of me. It hurts me to think that i have ancestors that were possibly slave owners as well as slaves. But, it is what it is. Like Logic said, " ... master deep down inside me, the plantation deep down inside of me."
Lately i've found myself trying to diminish my own feelings & personal experiences to advocate for the Black community. Being aware of my privilege as a light skinned, mixed Black woman + trying so hard to use it to the advantage of the Black community & my darker sisters made me forget about my own personal struggles. & it didn't help getting on social media seeing a Black person speak on mixed kids as if we had no problems. Like, i understand we may not have it as bad, but we deserve to speak up as well. Especially if it's valid. Are we not allowed to speak on the identity crisis? Because i had a whole lot of that. It's come to the point now where it's like fuck that ... i'm going to speak on what i know.
The biggest thing for me as a mixed woman, is how much i've been overly fetishized. Even as a child. Some may view it as a flattering thing, but to me personally, it's disgusting. Countless times have i been told i was wanted as a baby mama so a nigga could have "pretty babies". Whatever the fuck that means. I mean, am i the only one that has seen ugly mixed babies? Anyways, i would also end up talking to niggas that would constantly bring up how they wanted me because i was "exoctic" and "foreign". Huh? That's the only reason you want to talk to me? Lol, haha, rofl, just wait until you see how passionate i am about the Black community & our liberation. Yea, they wouldn't like me so much then. Not to mention, i'm an American, so how the hell am i foreign? Technically, everyone's foreign except for the Natives of this land, but ew ... ignorance. This made it harder for me to find someone who liked me for me instead of liking me for my genetics. I don't think yall understand how annoying someone basically saying "You're mixed, omg!" just about every day is.
Also, i've found myself numerous amount of times being scared to show too much of any side of me. Being around white people, i would try not to act too Black. Being around Black people, i would try not to act or sound white .. shit, even listen to a song that was considered "white" around them. I honestly just wanted so badly just to be accepted, & i looked for it everywhere. In reality, nobody would accept me until i first accepted myself.
Speaking of acceptance, i am currently still learning how to forgive the white race. It takes a lot. Especially knowing so much about history & even the shit that continues on today. But i learned that in order for me to TRULY love myself, i had to forgive a race that was a part of me ... barely, but still, you get my point.
White people viewing me as a nigga, Asian people viewing me as a nigga, Black people viewing me as a cracker. In this black & white world we live in, i exist somewhere in between. I may not 100% know exactly who I am personality wise, but i do know this: I am a multiracial Black woman. & not a single soul could convince me otherwise.
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