* originally a guest post for "The Pink Matter Blog" *
It wasn’t until 2018 that I fully came to accept being bisexual. I mean, I had a girlfriend back in 2016 as well as 2017, but I wasn’t as out, loud and proud as I should have been. Growing up, the norm for me meant like boys and boys only, as well as my upbringing with a lot of Christianity in my family could anyone blame me? That wasn’t something you’d just out and say at Christmas dinner.
For a while, the only person in my family that knew was my mother and at first, she hit me with that “but why? You know it’s a sin” bullshit. Then, we were going to church on the regular; a Mormon church at that.
The first thing I wanted to ask was “But wasn’t your friend, Tommy, gay?” But, I already knew how that worked. It was ok to be friends with a gay man as long as your offspring wasn’t anywhere near that line. Or maybe she was just trying to be a good Christian/Mormon? Or even maybe she thought it was a phase? Who knows. Maybe I should reflect on that with her soon. I thank the Universe that today she is accepting of who I am. Not only that, a few of my other family members know as well. Shoutout to my supportive ass Uncle Michael.
Not that I'm shying away from my sexuality nor am I ashamed, my social media accounts give off a pretty good idea of who I am, in which I’m very expressive. I just don’t feel the need to sit down and have a conversation with the rest of my family on this or my life in general. We all know that sometimes (or maybe a lot of times) your family can be the most judgmental and the messiest. I’m not about the drama.
Another reason I feel I wasn’t loud and proud of my sexuality was because of my love for Black people, and the deeply rooted respect for my ancestors. Many horrible things have happened to Black men in the days of physical slavery, things that included slave masters raping them; hence the conclusion and creation of the homosexual agenda aimed towards Black men.
As much history as I know, I also know that your feelings aren’t something you can brush off. You can’t “catch” lesbian/gay/bisexual/transgender/queer. Love is a tremendous thing. That is not something you can fake. We are who we are. We love who we love. The world has much (emphasis on much) bigger problems. One of them being the struggle to let go of outdated beliefs and being able to separate personal beliefs from the rights of the rest of the world.
With life, with experience comes growth, and I’ve definitely grown in the past couple of years. Shit, even the last couple of months. Knowledge is power, and it’s gotten me to this point in my life now. Thus far, my journey has been painful...yet beautiful.
“...get to knowing yourself, that’s some shit that put fear in you, put faith in you...” -Dej Loaf
Happy Pride Month to all of you beautiful babes, I love you and will continue to fight for us until my time here on Mother Earth is up. Stay strong and stay fabulous as fuck! xoxoxo
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